RSS Feed It's taken 6 years for me to come back to this Blog. There were good intentions, but, have you started a family, gone through divorce, and tried to improve yourself while finding through day to day life as a native person? Holy smokes... Theres a lot of trauma in a lot of that. Parenting included...
I could go into detail about all the last 6 years, but I'm not going to. In short, I loved someone so much, was heart broken, learned a ton about human behavior, learned that parenting toddlers through divorce can be devastating to your memory, and will be hard as hell, but trying your best is all we can do. I'd say I didn't fail, but if there was one thing I could go back and do, I would have never panicked. Because I panicked like hell, and it created the space for zombie-ism.
Well, nearly 3 years away from the peak of turmoil of that situation, and I've seen that light. Don't react! Is what I'd tell my old self. I did my best, but maybe I'd be a good mentor for someone else who needs to overcome something like that.
How my art survived through it all? Well, I was able to produce a couple nice sized murals, that weren't necessarily anything profound, but when I look back, they were meditative, simple and calm. Everything I was searching for and I'm grateful for the chance to have those projects support me while I got back on my feet. Of course, it's easy to look back and wish I had some profound paintings that were deep and impactful, but we can't change time that's past. "It is what it is."
So those two years of learning how to calm the eff down... My aim is back, and we are focused on our way of life. Yup'ik and how to get the kids immersed in language and speaking phrases, instead of knowing pet commands, single word delights that earn a quick treat.
We moved to Twin Hills, but I'm having a hard time making a routine for this and it's hard talk to people and admit, "the think I want most in my life is for my kids to speak Yup'ik fluently." and then look at them and myself in the mirror and find shame for looking so damn white. Let's unpack that? No way, how exhausting. I want to accept that some native people look white. But projecting that isn't doing us any favors.
This is where spirit comes into play. My heart is here, and if I speak my heart, and set my ego, physical appearance to the side, my heart will direct and attract the goals that are the focus here.
Subject:
-Language (does it matter what I look like to learn? Nope....)
-Subsistence (I want to learn from my mom and family how to split and put up pike. If the weather actually allows for ice fishing!)
So I chatted with a friend and she suggested times for Yup'ik only speaking. I wrote down the alphabet yesterday. There are 18 letters. Something hard about using books to learn a language is that you need to be able to understand the rules of English... HAHAHAHA! How do I get around this? Now I'm focusing on phrases...
Anyway, this is just a random blurb about what life has turned into. Mostly, I just want to live subsistence, and then I want inspiration to come as it will after spending the day outside.
I could go into detail about all the last 6 years, but I'm not going to. In short, I loved someone so much, was heart broken, learned a ton about human behavior, learned that parenting toddlers through divorce can be devastating to your memory, and will be hard as hell, but trying your best is all we can do. I'd say I didn't fail, but if there was one thing I could go back and do, I would have never panicked. Because I panicked like hell, and it created the space for zombie-ism.
Well, nearly 3 years away from the peak of turmoil of that situation, and I've seen that light. Don't react! Is what I'd tell my old self. I did my best, but maybe I'd be a good mentor for someone else who needs to overcome something like that.
How my art survived through it all? Well, I was able to produce a couple nice sized murals, that weren't necessarily anything profound, but when I look back, they were meditative, simple and calm. Everything I was searching for and I'm grateful for the chance to have those projects support me while I got back on my feet. Of course, it's easy to look back and wish I had some profound paintings that were deep and impactful, but we can't change time that's past. "It is what it is."
So those two years of learning how to calm the eff down... My aim is back, and we are focused on our way of life. Yup'ik and how to get the kids immersed in language and speaking phrases, instead of knowing pet commands, single word delights that earn a quick treat.
We moved to Twin Hills, but I'm having a hard time making a routine for this and it's hard talk to people and admit, "the think I want most in my life is for my kids to speak Yup'ik fluently." and then look at them and myself in the mirror and find shame for looking so damn white. Let's unpack that? No way, how exhausting. I want to accept that some native people look white. But projecting that isn't doing us any favors.
This is where spirit comes into play. My heart is here, and if I speak my heart, and set my ego, physical appearance to the side, my heart will direct and attract the goals that are the focus here.
Subject:
-Language (does it matter what I look like to learn? Nope....)
-Subsistence (I want to learn from my mom and family how to split and put up pike. If the weather actually allows for ice fishing!)
So I chatted with a friend and she suggested times for Yup'ik only speaking. I wrote down the alphabet yesterday. There are 18 letters. Something hard about using books to learn a language is that you need to be able to understand the rules of English... HAHAHAHA! How do I get around this? Now I'm focusing on phrases...
Anyway, this is just a random blurb about what life has turned into. Mostly, I just want to live subsistence, and then I want inspiration to come as it will after spending the day outside.
5/8/2013
First Post on this Page
I've actually written a lot, but a lot of it is lost in the old days of myspace and dying on my fb page. Most of it is relationship mishap and mindless, but some of it has been very deep in culture and finding myself as a Yupik/white girl.That stuff used to fill my mind constantly, but now things have changed, a little. I have a 15 month old who is teaching me to think more efficiently if I want to write!
One of the things that is hardest for me as an artist is explaining how I feel about my artwork. It's funny because there's the saying, "A picture paints a thousand words..." but they always want us to say MORE! I honestly turn to painting and drawing when I am at a loss for words which is what makes it even more difficult. Painting to me goes beyond words, it illustrates what words usually lack. Take the word beautiful for example, so much to interpret, but when I paint something and show you beauty, there isn't much more to say because your mind does the work. I think we need more of that. If we allowed our internal thoughts to just be once in a while, we'd get rid of the clutter. Sometimes it's better to be seen and not heard. That is something I love about Yupik culture, we don't hold it against each other for being quiet! Welcome to my page, and I hope you let your mind do the talking as you look through my work:)
Also, if you feel like you need to make a difference, comment on the EPA Bristol Bay Watershed Assessment before May 31, 2013!!!
http://www2.epa.gov/bristolbay/current-public-involvement
First Post on this Page
I've actually written a lot, but a lot of it is lost in the old days of myspace and dying on my fb page. Most of it is relationship mishap and mindless, but some of it has been very deep in culture and finding myself as a Yupik/white girl.That stuff used to fill my mind constantly, but now things have changed, a little. I have a 15 month old who is teaching me to think more efficiently if I want to write!
One of the things that is hardest for me as an artist is explaining how I feel about my artwork. It's funny because there's the saying, "A picture paints a thousand words..." but they always want us to say MORE! I honestly turn to painting and drawing when I am at a loss for words which is what makes it even more difficult. Painting to me goes beyond words, it illustrates what words usually lack. Take the word beautiful for example, so much to interpret, but when I paint something and show you beauty, there isn't much more to say because your mind does the work. I think we need more of that. If we allowed our internal thoughts to just be once in a while, we'd get rid of the clutter. Sometimes it's better to be seen and not heard. That is something I love about Yupik culture, we don't hold it against each other for being quiet! Welcome to my page, and I hope you let your mind do the talking as you look through my work:)
Also, if you feel like you need to make a difference, comment on the EPA Bristol Bay Watershed Assessment before May 31, 2013!!!
http://www2.epa.gov/bristolbay/current-public-involvement